3 weeks old!

Dear Riley,
You're 3 weeks old now, and growing so much!  We are having so much fun getting to know you, and helping you learn and grow into your own.

You love to snuggle, which gives this very snuggly mommy great big smiles and lots of kisses.

You're drinking about 2 ounces of milk every three hours, which is fantastic!

You look for your big brother every time he talks, he loves holding you and is so excited to teach you everything he knows.

The kitties think you're pretty okay too.  Angel visits my lap on occasion and Kitten visits every morning after your 6am bottle.

We have a good snuggle and sleep between your 2am and 6am feedings - you'll wake up for a diaper change and bottle, then fall asleep on my chest - so you sleep next to me every morning, and you seem to like that quite a bit.  I don't mind it either!

You're three weeks old today, my lovely little girl.
Love you so much, sweetness.

Mommy

Welcome to the world, baby girl!

Riley Jo is here, and here is her birth story!

Due to a huge amount of fluid and the fact that Riley was measuring quite small, my doctors and I decided inducing at 38 weeks would be the safest decision for all of us.

So the induction was scheduled for Monday, March 4, 2013.  We were to call the Birth Center at 5:45 to verify the 6:45 arrival time - make sure to eat breakfast before we come, and head on over.
Of course Sunday night neither Chris nor I could sleep - even though we both tried.  I was excited and nervous - I couldn't get comfortable, I couldn't relax - I was just so awake.  Eventually I was able to sleep for a few hours on the couch.

Chris woke me up at 5:30, we made the call, got everything ready, and headed to the Birth Center.  We drove through McDonald's for breakfast and chatted all the way to the hospital.  I don't remember what we talked about - I was tired and nervous and honestly, quite scared...

We got checked in, and the day started.  They placed the IV, started Pitocin, and off we were!  I was most comfortable in the bed, which surprised me - I think I just felt most comfortable there because I could relax and sleep when I could.  I did walk the halls a few times, was able to get to the bathroom, tried the birthing ball, and finally found the best comfort at the end of the bed straddling the corner.

Time passes, contractions happen, I take several naps throughout the day, and eventually I was dilated to 7. Time for the epidural!  I initially thought about going pain-meds free, but after experiencing some pretty intense contractions, and after discussing with my doctor, I decided to get the epidural - and boy, was it helpful!

I'd experienced the epidural procedure before - with CJ - but it was still terrifying for me.  The nurses, mom and Chris were great, encouraging me to breathe slowly and focus - the epidural itself didn't hurt - the Novocaine shot is what was incredibly uncomfortable.  I was able to keep focused, I think the reason I was so scared was because it was my back and I couldn't see what was happening.  I was trusting this doctor that I didn't know with my spinal column....  yikes...  The epidural was placed and everything was fine - I started getting numb-ish from the waist down.

Eventually it was time to break my water, which ended up being several gallons.  My doctor guessed that I had at least 20 pounds of fluid - and she was sorry that she didn't get some sort of receptacle to measure how much fluid I had.  It was very controlled.  Since I had so much fluid, there was a danger of the cord coming through the birth canal before baby's head.  So draining the fluid took a few minutes, I think - I was relaxed and trying to just focus on breathing. 

The bulk of the rest of the night is a blur - but once it was time to start pushing - it just became surreal.  The lights were down in the room except for the bright "doctor" lights above the bed.  Before it was time to really push, I called mom over and whispered, "I'm scared."  My nurse heard me and said something like, "You are doing so great, Emily - I'll be right here to help.  I'll walk you through it."  I knew she was there, but I needed to tell my mom, "Mommy, I'm scared and I need you to tell me everything will be okay and that I can do this." 

I kept my eyes closed so I could focus on my nurse and Chris and breathing.  Mom was in the hall for a while, but after some time Chris needed to take a break - so mom came in to help.  I pushed for a little over an hour, but all I remember is focusing on breathing, focusing on focusing, trying to remain calm and keep my breathing slow.  A few times I remember saying, "i can't do this, I can't, it hurts, oh my god, I can't, I'm so tired, it hurts so much...."  My nurse was amazing - "Emily, Emily...  slow your breathing, honey...  you're doing this...  sloooow your breathing..."

I could tell that Chris was getting frustrated because the doctor wasn't there yet - and the nurse called her a few times to come in - that I was ready - baby was coming, and really soon.  Every now and then I heard Chris say, "Oh my god!" - he was watching his daughter crowning...

Then....
"Do you feel like you need to push?"
"uh huh..."
"Okay, with this next contraction...."  so I started...  one... two... three...  "Wait, stop pushing!"

I felt the head... she was coming... she was RIGHT THERE...  I don't know how other women stop pushing a baby out....  I basically had to hold her head there to keep me stretched enough so I didn't tear with the shoulders, I guess...  So I did what I could - I tightened my "poop" muscles...  trying to hold in a baby is a LOT harder than holding in a poop!

I was holding for what felt like forever - but eventually my body just said, "pop! goes the baby!"  and her head was out...  just in time, the doctor walked in.  "Oh, hi there!"  I wasn't pushing...  my body was doing all the work....

The relief was something I'd never felt before...  I knew there was more to come, but the head was out...  and with the next contraction, the rest of baby came out too!  I hadn't pushed any more, my body did the rest of the work...  and so she was here...  more relief - incredible physical relief.  there's no way to describe the feeling of relief, just that the pain was over...

The NICU team was there to check baby out, to make sure she was healthy - since she was so tiny.  She was whining a little but when that first real cry came - that was it, my eyes opened and I looked for her - I was crying because oh my god, I did it...  this little person just came out of me...  and I did it!  Was she okay?  she was crying - so she's good - but was she okay?

The NICU team was great, they were really checking her out and making sure she was healthy - and yes, she was.  5 pounds, 4 ounces, 17.5 inches long...  She was breathing and crying and was eventually brought to my chest.

There she was...  there we were... face to face...  skin-to-skin...
Amazing...  Incredible...  There really are no words to describe the feeling...  Seeing this little person that I'd been physically nurturing for the past nine months, keeping healthy and safe inside my body ... she's here...  she's really here... 

Riley Jo was born at 12:45am, Tuesday, March 5, 2013.

One Week Left... whaaat?

Dear Munchkin, 

Well, it looks like you're already being strong-willed and not wanting to pack on any more weight, you little stinker :)

The doctors think it's best to induce, so we'll meet you next week on Monday, March 4.  Happy Birthday!!!

Daddy and I are getting everything finalized - both at work and at home.  The kitties are anxious, they know SOMETHING is happening...  they're just not quite sure WHAT it is.

Kitten climbed up and sat right next to my face to snuggle a little - maybe she sensed something and needed to come comfort me.  Who knows - she was very lovey overnight.

So, the doctors think you're about 5 pounds, and hopefully you're still gaining a few ounces here and there - it will make things much easier for you once you're in the big wide world - so just keep packing on those fat cells and we'll be able to go home sooner :)

CJ and Meme are in St Louis visiting Auntie Anna, Uncle Nate, Cousins Luther and Isaac, and also to check-in on Mee-Maw - It's a nice vacation for them, so we need to make sure you stay inside mommy's tummy until they're back from their trip!  So you just keep cookin-away for another week and then we'll meet you when you get here.

Mommy's body is already getting ready for you to be born, and I have to admit I'm nervous.  I thought surgery was scary, but not knowing what to expect from labor is even worse!!  I'm a worrier, though, so once I start feeling the pains, I know I'll be able to handle it - what's scary is the "not knowing"...  the anticipation of pain but not knowing or realizing what it will really feel like.

Don't you worry, though - we'll have showtunes playing on the ipod, and we'll have skin-to-skin as soon as the nurses clean you up and daddy cuts the cord.  We are so very excited to meet you and get to know you. You're active as can be, and we are so thrilled to welcome you to the world!  It's been a long wait!

Auntie Anna and the boys will be here in a few weeks for Easter, so you'll be able to show off your new Easter outfit - specially chosen by ... ME!  :)  It's a Peter Rabbit outfit - super cute, but you'll probably be way too tiny for it!  That's okay - we'll get you growing as soon as we get some yummy food into your tummy. 

Can't wait to meet you, munchkin!

Love, Mommy

32 days and counting...

Hey kiddo, 

We had another ultrasound today, and you were active as usual, and shy as usual - you were NOT about to let the ultrasound tech get a good picture of you practicing your breathing - and you had your hands in your face almost the whole time.  We were able to get a good smiley picture of you, though...

You're even laughing!!!  It was TOO CUTE sharing this photo with everybody at work.  A few coworkers think you look like your daddy in this picture, and I'd agree because he's always grinning a silly grin and laughing a lot.

Here's a picture of me just a few days ago - you're making me look pretty big!!

Look at that baby belly!  And we still have five weeks left!  That is okay, though.  I am very uncomfortable but I remember that means you're growing and thriving and moving all around - and that's what we want!  Activity is healthy!  Heartburn is painful, but I just chomp on some TUMS and all is better with the world for a few hours.

Last night you were ALL over the place.  Kneeing my ribs, punching my privates, and stretching up into my chest cavity, goodness little girl!  We have a three-day weekend so we'll be able to relax a lot and have a few more chats like we did the other night.

I'm trying to not complain about the pain I'm in, because I know it's all for your health - but I tell ya, kiddo, I really want to meet you!  Your lungs are going to finish developing soon, so stay put until that happens - we'll meet you soon enough.

Daddy and CJ are looking forward to meeting you, too.  You have been responding to Daddy's voice, and sometimes to CJ's - he's so excited to become a big brother.  He's been the only child for a long time, so he'll need my attention too - so I'll need you to be a little patient with me when we get home, okay?  CJ needs mommy time too, so that's when you can have some quality moments with Daddy...  Be patient with him, too - he's a first-timer, so don't give him incredibly full diapers at first - let him get the hang of it before you bring on the big number 2s.

Your crib is all ready, the pack-and-play is ready, all we need to do is make sure we have diapers and wipes and bath stuff ready to go.  Meme is building your coming-home outfit, she's so excited to have a little girl to sew for again!  Three boys and finally a girl baby!  

We're still thinking about names - Nana is already calling you "Riley" - and considering your rambunctious attitude at the dr's office, it may just be that - but we really don't know yet.  We don't want to name you officially until you're here.  You may be a Savannah or Sarah or Lyssa, we're just not sure yet.

I'm hoping you come naturally, I'd love to have an easier recovery than with your brother - but if that doesn't happen I understand.  Keep growing, but stay small enough so we don't need to worry about surgery.  It will be scary, I know, either way - but believe me - it's easier on all of us (well, maybe harder for Daddy to see me in pain), if you come on your own...

You're keeping us busy already, that's for sure.  

You are already so loved - we can't wait to meet you, punkin!

--Mommy

The Nun with the Pink Habit

I'd always had a large hat size, so it wasn't a surprise that CJ had a larger head too.  But his was different.  CJ's head was shaped like a football - long and narrow...  I noticed it when he was born, but everyone figured I was a nervous mother and was exaggerating everything.  His eyes weren't lazy, they were deep-set.  He wasn't having seizures, he was chilly and just shivering.  His head wasn't misshapen, it just had to grow into itself.

Until they saw x-rays and MRIs.

They saw that his softspots had grown together before he was born, and if we didn't take a piece of bone out of his skull, his brain may not develop properly because there wasn't enough room - the skull was growing incorrectly and needed to be opened up.

CJ was 7 months old when he was taken in to surgery to open his skull to make it grow properly.  CJ's bio dad, S, met us at the hospital and walked with me to the huge double-doors that screamed "ONE WAY" to my fragile state.  I allowed the nurses to take my drugged infant through those doors, and though I knew he was in wonderful hands at the famous Children's Hospital, fear overcame me and I grabbed onto S's shirt and cried into his shoulder.

Someone took us to the surgical waiting room to wait the forever-long two hours.  My parents and sister had gone to the cafeteria, either to get a snack or to get away.  I hoped S would have stayed with me, but he couldn't handle the waiting - so he had several cigarettes outside, I don't remember him coming back...

I picked up a magazine and thumbed through the pages, trying not to cry too loudly - I didn't want to bother the other people patiently waiting for their own loved ones to come out of the One-Way doors.  I felt the eyes on me, asking each other, "I wonder what she's in for" as if I had been arrested.  I was in a room full of people, but I was alone, waiting.

"Is CJ's mother here?"  I was startled, did someone know my name?  How did someone know CJ?  What's happened?  Is he okay?  It hasn't been very long, Oh god what happened???  I saw an older woman dressed in a pale pink habit - obviously a nun.  Oh Jesus H, what's wrong...  Who is this person and why does she need to talk to me?
"Are you CJ's mother?"  I nodded through invisible tears.  She was in her 70s, maybe, gray hair peeking out from under the habit, a cross necklace around her neck, and gramma hands.  "I'm sorry my hands are cold.  It's chilly out there."  I smiled meekly, "I'm Emily."

She smiled as she saw tears welling up.  She sat down, "Mind if I sit next to you?"  I shook my head and moved my purse out of her way.  "I'm a volunteer here, your little boy is in surgery today?"  I nodded, "he's getting part of his skull removed so his head can grow right."  I talked like a terrified pre-teen, not like the senior college student about to graduate.

"I was wondering, would it be alright if I prayed with you?"
I leaned into her shoulder and let the tears fall.  I don't remember what she said or how long I was there, but I felt a sense of peace and calm that I hadn't before that moment.  I cried quietly and just let it happen.  I let my fear and sadness escape, allowing me to relax and calm myself.  I sat there for I don't know how long, probably just a minute or so, crying huge tears into this nice old lady's shoulder.

She didn't have to be there, and she didn't question me about why I was there alone, or why I didn't have a wedding ring on my finger, or why surgery was necessary, or what happened that made me an unmarried mother.  She put her arm around me and let me cry...  There was no judgment, no fault, no fear - only care and compassion for a frightened young mother.

I don't know her name, I don't remember her face, I don't remember the date or the actual time of the surgery, I don't remember what I was wearing or what color paint on the walls of the waiting room.

I remember her voice.
My Angel in the Pink Habit